Let's Get Real
I feel that being vulnerable is a gateway for the Lord to move and encounter us, so every once in a while I'm going to try to post a blog where I'm just being real, honest and raw about the season I'm in. These posts may not be pretty, but I want to use my struggles and trials to help you get through yours victoriously!
Ya'll this month has been so tough on me. I've had lots of cry sessions with Jesus in my car. I've had a heavy heart and I've been fighting my flesh daily. I can literally feel the war within me as Holy Spirit is trying to fight my flesh. Here's the deal, my husband and I felt the Lord leading him from a steady, nice paying job that he didn't love to a new job where there was a possibility of making a lot more money and he'd get to make his own hours. We loved that idea but he only gets commission, no hourly pay which we didn't love... After much prayer we really felt Holy Spirit telling us to jump out in faith, so we did. Now because we felt the Lord leading us so strongly I honestly thought Nathan would be raking in the dough after about a month. I immediately began to plan what we were going to do with all this access money. We'd pay off his car and get him a new one by the end of summer. We'd pay off my car within a year (we just got it last year). We'd be able to support all our friend who are missionaries. We'd save enough money to put 20% down on a brand new built house on the lake, so we could host tons of worship nights and community groups... (The list went on but I won't bore you with them)
I knew that this was going to be our financial freedom we needed and I knew since God had lead us it would happen and it'd happen quickly. But as the summer went on the money just wasn't coming through. Nathan was literally doing all he could to make the money. It was like we had hit a wall. I began praying hard, and often. On my way to work I'd pray in the spirit. I'd pray over Nate every day as I left for work. I would call during the day before he went out and I'd pray again. I'd pray alone while he was working, but we still saw nothing shifting.
After about two months of this I began to start to worry. We'd dipped into half of our savings and we were accumulating debt, which we had worked so hard to get out of last year. I began to question God. Like, where the heck was He??? He told us to do this, so why isn't He showing Himself in this situation? Why aren't the sales going through? Why when the sales do go through are they taking 6 weeks or more for us to see the money? Why? Why? Why?
I had begun to question God. I began to get frustrated and angry at Him. I felt like He'd forgotten us and our situation. I felt like He wasn't moving quick enough. Like if He didn't do something that moment we'd be in financial ruin and He just wasn't understanding that!! (Isn't it funny how we think we know what is best? Ha!)
So as the stresses from our financial situation began to pile up I could feel I was about to break emotionally. One day I was in the kitchen alone putting away the dishes while Nathan was working and I turned on my favorite worship song from My September Favorites post. As the chorus came on I began to cry and pray that He truly would satisfy me because in this season, in this moment, He hadn't been. I felt like if my finances were all sorted out then I'd be satisfied, but I realized that I'd forgotten that Jesus is the only thing that truly satisfies us. As the song went on and it came to the bridge the flood gates (of my eyes) were opened ya'll. The song goes "There's nothing I have need of." As I sat on the kitchen floor with a pot in my hand weeping I got it. It hit me. I didn't think that with Jesus I lacked no good thing. I'd let my circumstances tell me that I did lack things and that God wasn't taking care of them. I'd let myself forget who I am in Jesus. I began to ask the Lord to truly let me be completely satisfied by just Him. I began to ask the Lord to help me really believe that I needed nothing as long as I'm with Him.
After this I started to be more aware of how I was praying. Instead of, "God I need you to help Nate make more sales. God please let this job call him for an interview. I really just don't know how we are going to make this paycheck last until the next one..." I began to pray like this, "Father, thank you that Nate and I still have savings that we haven't depleted even though we should have two months ago. Thank you that your ways are so much better than mine. You know exactly what you are doing. I choose to put my trust in you because you are my safe place. I trust you Father. I trust you." This helped position my heart from a beggar to a secure daughter of the Father. I've begun to daily, even hourly remind myself that God's plan for us is so much better than we could ever imagine. He's got us. We aren't unnoticed. He hasn't put His plan for us on hold. We aren't out of His will. We are just being positioned for whatever He has next.
Now, I'm not saying I don't have rough days, yesterday was so so rough. My heart was heavy and worried. My flesh was fighting and quite frankly it was winning, but I kept thanking the Lord that His plans are so much better than mine. We haven't seen any resolve, yet. But I can't wait to brag on how good God is when we do see it! I can't wait to tell you how Jesus did it. You see the more grim your situation is the more glory God gets when He takes care of it. Ya'll He's going to get so much glory with us and I literally cannot wait to tell you all about it!