This last year and a half of waiting has taught me so much. Every day I see my hands loosening on the reigns of my life. This season of pressing and shaking has been so incredibly hard. I’ve cried more tears than I can ever remember. I’ve had days where my heart literally feels like it will crumble if I have to wait another day without seeing anything in my life shift.
If you don’t already know a year and a half ago Nathan and I started trying to have a baby. 565 days of praying for a baby to light up our life, but 565 days of disappointment, heart ache, and lots and lots of negative pregnancy test.
A year ago Nathan started looking for a new job so we could begin to move more into our callings at our church. For a year job after job has opened up, seemed like a sure thing, then God has slammed every single door shut. I’ve spent plenty of time griping to God about how tired I am having to do so much at the church alone while everyone else on staff has their spouse to help carry the load. I’ve whined. I’ve cried. I’ve felt looked over.
You see in this last year and a half Nate and I’s life has seemed so full of unfulfilled promises. We’ve seen friend after friend move into what we have longed for. More babies than I can count on my hands and lots of new jobs. We’ve been crushed. We’ve been stretched. We’ve been hurt. And honestly it’s been so hard.
But in our stretching and in our crushing I’ve begun to see gold. Gold in the heart of my husband who is highly creative… God has flung open doors for him to move into his calling as a songwriter outside of the confines of our church. (How narrow our mind is at times. We think God can only use us in certain places in certain ways then He comes and doesn’t allow you to get that job so you’re forced to look for a creative outlet elsewhere. Okay I see you God!) I’ve seen him spend hours going to song writing collaborations and hearing the gold from our pressing played back as the song of his heart. Man, isn’t it so beautiful when we begin to see the gold instead of the coal?
In our stretching I’ve seen myself become more full of joy and easy going. How ironic? I’m normally a very “uptight” person. I like schedules and if they don’t go like I plan I get frazzled, but in this season of pressing and crushing I’ve seen gold appear as I sit back and allow God to move in my life. I’ve stopped worrying about things I can’t control now. I’ve started living life more freely; more fearless; more trusting.
I’ve felt the smile of our Father on us as we navigate this hard season of waiting; of trusting that He has a plan far greater than we could hope for. I’ve felt Him whisper, “I’m so proud of you.” As I crumble to the bottom of the shower floor, bawling as I choose to worship because my heart aches at another closed door in the job department or another negative pregnancy test.
Choosing to worship has been my hearts strength. Choosing to turn my eyes back on Jesus and not on my unfulfilled promises or unanswered prayers has been my strength. Choosing to bawl my eyes out to Nathan and not hold in all my pent up tension as I fight for control with the Lord has been my freedom.
Surrender has been my daily bread and I’m choosing to feast in the waiting.