THOUGHTS ON YEAR FOUR WITH THE LOML
I can’t believe I’ve been married to my first love for FOUR WHOLE YEARS! It has honestly flown by. Before we got married so many people told us that the first year would be the hardest, but I remember laying in our gorgeous Lake Travis hotel room on our one year anniversary telling Nate that year one was a piece of cake; a complete joy.
Maybe it was because I worked two jobs and was gone from 7am-7pm or maybe it was because Nate worked until 10 most nights and we didn’t see each other much so when we did we were on cloud nine. Or maybe it was because we had dated for years before getting married but our first year was SO easy!
Year four though was something completely different. It wasn’t full of less joy but it was full of much more heartache and pain. This year of marriage we have walked through more than I ever expected we would in our four short years of marriage.
This year we experienced pain from:
Praying for Nathan to get a new job so we could do ministry together and he could move more into what he is called to, but seeing door after door slam in our face for almost an entire year.
Walking through infertility and the vulnerability opening up about that brings.
Trying to walk in trust when everyday we aren’t seeing our prayers answered… in turn pouring more salt in the wound.
Trying to figure out what our calls are and feeling like we would never, ever, in a million years be able to walk into them…
This year has been so full of ups and downs. Pains followed by healing oil. It’s been bitter then so sweet.
Though we’ve had many pains; here are just a few of our joys:
Nate had a job practically fall into his lap after so many doors had been shut. A job where he works less hours and makes triple what he used to make. A job with amazing healthcare benefits. A job where he can travel. If I were to have written a list of the requirements to the perfect job for Nathan this would have checked all the boxes. I love when God exceeds our expectations!
Through being open about our fertility journey I have been able to minister to so many woman I would have never met or been able to minister to before. Also, with the insurance at Nathan’s new job I will be able to see a fertility specialist (on July 19th) and get some answers. This fertility journey has also brought Nathan and I so much closer. We pray more. We encourage more. We see the amazing qualities we never saw before because we are looking at the potential parental attributes we love about each other. I’ve been more open about my pain and emotions and he’s been more quick to listen instead of fixing. He’s started embracing me (literally) instead of trying to fix me. He’s had faith when I was lacking and He’s always pointed my eyes back to the goodness of my Healer. It has been so beautiful to see how this terribly painful season has been so full of beautiful, healing moments.
As we’ve learned to trust God in the waiting this past year we have grown so much in our understanding of who God truly is and the power He has to move when we don’t see. It has allowed insecurities to fall off and we both now have a new security in Jesus. It’s been so sweet to see Nathan move into not just being carefree, but to rest in trusting. It’s been so rewarding to see myself walk less in the cold hard facts of what I can see and more into trusting that God sees and knows me. What security we have in Jesus!
This past year Nate and I started thinking long and hard about what we want to do long term in our lives. If we had no limits what would we love to be doing? For Nathan it was wanting to write songs and lead deep, intimate, unboxed worship. For me it was to be an author, a speaker and deep, deep down inside it was to write songs with him. In December a door flung wide open for Nate to join a songwriting group. He has thrived moving into his truest calling. And along the way I got pulled into writing as well. Once I helped write my first song I realized this wasn’t just happenstance but God’s hand moving us so strongly into one of our biggest callings.
I look back at these defining moments from this past year with tear-filled eyes. You see in my darkest season, in our hardest year personally, Jesus has given us the sweetest reminders of how faithful He is. I’m not sure if these moments have been more sweet than any others or if it’s because this year has been full of bitter moments that these special ones have seem so much sweeter…
Here’s to many more sweet moments. To growing in trust. To learning to be vulnerable. To learning to be selfless. To going after our dreams… together. Here’s to us! I LOVE YOU NATHAN and I can’t wait until the day I can call you my baby daddy!!